All parents want their children to be honest. Moreover, moms and dads are sure that this quality should be present in the child from birth, in itself. Regardless of how parents behave.
Naturally, the disappointment of moms and dads can not be described when they discover that the child grows far from being an ideal child, and lies make him into a habit.
Where can we find the roots of this problem, and how to deal with it?
content of the article:
- cause of infant lying
- What we can not say and do if a child is lying?
- How to disaccustom the child to lie?
The causes of child lies – why are you constantly deceived by your child?
According to experts in the field of psychology, children’s lies are one of the first symptoms of mistrust of parents or the presence of a serious problem in the outer or inner world of the child.
The hidden cause is even a completely innocent, at first glance, lies.
For example …
- Is afraid of exposure. A child hides a certain act (deeds), because he is afraid of punishment.
- Embellishes to seem more special. A very common phenomenon among children, when any story is embellished, exaggerated or understated according to the situation. The reason is the desire to attract more attention to yourself. Usually among the braggarts – 99% of children who are not well-liked and disliked.
- Just loves to fantasize. Imaginations are peculiar to children at the youngest age and about 7-11 years, when children try to “finish” what they lack in life.
- Attempts to manipulate . For this purpose, lie is used by children only when parents “buy” it. For example, “Dad allowed me to watch cartoons until the evening”, “grandmother said that she will take away my toys,” “Yes, I did lessons, can I walk?” “I have a headache, I can not brush your teeth” and so on.
- Covers brother (sister, friends). This “lie for the salvation” of another person is not a tragedy. And even on the contrary – in some measure a feat. After all, the kid consciously goes to a possible conflict with his parents in order to save another person from punishment.
- Afraid to disappoint parents. When mom and dad overly overcharge the straps, the child becomes nervous and jerky. He is afraid of stumbling, making a mistake, bringing a troika or remark, and so on. Any disapproval of parents for such a child is a tragedy. Therefore, wanting to please them or for fear of punishment / disappointment, the child is sometimes forced to lie.
- Expresses protest. If a child’s parents is not only confidence but also respect, the lie becomes just one of the ways of demonstrating his disdain towards them, revenge for inattention and others.
- Lie “how to breathe.” Such cases of unmotivated lies are the heaviest and, as a rule, hopeless. A child lies often, if not always, and this lie is part of his character, his ineradicable habit. The child usually does not think about the consequences, but they generally do not care. Usually such children do not stop lying even after publicly being convicted of lies and grow up as serious liars.
- Takes an example from parents. For example, a mother does not like her mother-in-law and speaks bad words about her. The child who hears these words, ask – “do not tell grandma.” Or dad instead of the zoo is a child into an adult shooting range, where mom-pacifist prohibits him to drive, and the pope asks the child – “Mom does not say.” And so on. Cases of parental lie, which they do not even notice, in the child before the eyes for one day only – a cart and a small cart. Naturally, the child will not consider the upbringing of honesty in himself necessary, when mom and dad lie without a twinge of conscience.
It’s worth noting that the reasons for lying at every age are their own …
- For example, a crumb of 3-4 years old just fantasizes. Do not prevent a child from giving out his tales for truth – this is part of the game and growing up. But be on the alert – watch and keep your hand on the pulse so that fantasies do not develop into a habit of lying all the time.
- After 5 years, the child begins to gradually distinguish lies from the truth, as well as practice in their own. This age is the most important for establishing a confidential contact with the child. If the child is now receiving pokes and cracks (even psychological ones) for any misconduct, then the fear of telling the truth will only take root in him, and the parents will lose the child’s confidence completely.
- 7-9 years. This is the age when children have secrets, and when they need their own personal space, where the owners are just them. Give children freedom. But tell us about the boundaries of the reasonable and warn that freedom does not mean permissiveness. Now the child will try his parents for strength in all ways, including lying – that age.
- 10-12 years. Your child is almost a teenager. And he perfectly understands the difference between lies and truth. They lie at this age just inspired – and do not even understand what you were told. Why? Then, that begins the period of formation of oneself in society. And children want to take a more solid place in it, for which “all means are good.” Monitor the situation, talk with the child more often, be his friend and remember that you no longer have the right to impudently get into the privacy of children – wait until they invite you to her. If you have been a good parent in previous years, you will always be welcome there.
- Older than 12 years old. This is the age when the child requires autonomy from the parents. The period of self-assertion begins, and the psychological burden on the child is greatly increased. Usually the child at this age has 1-3 people, whom he reveals completely, and not always in this “circle of trust” are the parents. What is strictly not recommended to talk and do if the child is lying – advice to psychologists parents
If you do not care whether your child becomes a liar or an honest man – and you are determined to fight with lies , then, first of all, remember what you should not do:
- Apply methods of physical punishment. This is not the case in which “a good whipping does not hurt.” However, there are no good cases for spanking. If the parent takes a belt, this does not mean that the child has gotten out of hand, but that the parent is too lazy to engage in the full-fledged education of the child. Lying is a signal that you pay attention to the child. Look for the root of the problem, and do not fight with windmills. In addition, the punishment only strengthens the fear of the child in front of you, and the truth you will listen even less.
- Count on the fact that after your educational conversation about the dangers of lying, everything will change radically . Will not change. To explain it is necessary many times, proving correctness by examples from a life and a personal example.
- Lie yourself. Even the slightest lie of the parents (in relation to other people, in relation to the child, in relation to each other) entitles the child to do likewise. Be honest yourself, and only then demand honesty from the child. Honesty concerns the fulfillment of promises made to the child.
- Leave the lie unheeded. Of course, you do not need to rush the child. But it is necessary to react to a lie. Think carefully about what your reaction should be in order not to frighten off the child, but to arrange for dialogue.
- Find out the relationship with the child in public. All serious talk – only alone!
What if the child cheats, how to wean the child to lie?
The most important advice when talking about parenting is reduced to a single axiom – be your child by example . Educate yourself, not your baby. And looking at you, the kid will grow and be honest, and fair, and kind.
If you still have overlooked your child, and the fight with a little liar has already begun, take note of the recommendations of specialists:
- Be a child friend. It is clear that, first of all, you are a parent who must be sometimes severe and strict, for the sake of the child’s safety. But try to combine in yourself a parent and a friend for your child. You must become a person to whom the child comes with his problems, sorrows, complaints and joys. If the child trusts you, if he gets the right support from you, he will not lie to you.
- Do not be too strict. The child should not be afraid to tell you the truth. Encourage the truth. If the baby confessed that he accidentally messed up your documents, when he watered the flowers, drew or fed the cat, do not shout at him. Thank for the truth and ask to be more careful. A child never confesses to what he did if he knows that the punishment will follow the truth, or even the mother of hysterics.
- Do not make promises that you can not fulfill. The word that is not kept, for the child is tantamount to lying. If you promised to play with a child in the evening a couple of hours, the child will wait for the evening and count these hours. If you promised in the cinema on the weekends, you’ll break a cake, but take the child to the movies. Etc.
- Talk with your child about your family’s system of prohibitions. But in this system of prohibitions ALWAYS there should be exceptions. Categorical prohibitions cause a desire to violate them. Leave the children of loopholes, which are allowed by the family “law.” If there are only bans around the child, then the lie is the smallest thing that you will encounter.
- In any difficult situation, look for reasons. Do not rush into battle and re-education, without understanding the situation. There is a reason for every action.
- Tell your child more often about what a lie can mean for a person. Show themed cartoons / movies, give personal examples – do not forget to tell about your emotions at the moments when your lies were exposed.
- Do not beat or scold children for deuces. If the child has brought a deuce, you should more carefully prepare with it for lessons. Two children – this is the lack of understanding of the parents. Much more effective – to repeat the material, which received a deuce, and retake it. Teach a child not to freak out because of bad marks, but immediately look for ways to correct them.
- The child must clearly understand that the mother is more likely to be upset because of the lies than because of the deed that he is trying to hide.
- If a child constantly exaggerates his dignity – then he has nothing to stand out among peers. Find a job for the child in which he can achieve success – let him have his honest cause for pride for himself, not fictitious.
Your child is your continuation and repetition. It is on your honesty and your attention to the child that depends on how truthful the child is and how open he will be with you.
Do not fight with lies, fight with its causes.
Were there similar situations in your family? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!